There are so many things to be thankful for this Thanksgiving 2018. Probably the most politically obvious thing to be thankful for is dodging the bullet of having a president Hillary Clinton. Kurt Schlichter of Townhall also has some things that we all should be thankful for:
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I am thankful for Lindsey Graham. There are five words that I never expected to type in that order. But the way he threw down in the Kavanagh fight was awe-inspiring. I am so thankful that I am even prepared to forget his two greatest transgressions, his embrace of John McCain‘s habit of infuriating fellow conservatives, and his membership in the Air Force JAG Corps.
I am thankful the Paul Ryan is gone, having hopped the train to Failuretown, Population: Paul Ryan. Not that we would notice that he vanished. The only time we ever heard from the ex-Speaker was when he was clutching pearls over something Trump said. I wish he was useless, because that would’ve been a huge improvement. The loss of the House was largely his fault. I eagerly await his upcoming book, 50 Shades of Meh.
I am thankful Mitt Romney is the new senator from Utah. Wait, I’m not thankful for that. He’s a very, very annoying man. He’s got binders full of boring.
I am thankful I haven’t heard much from Ben Sasse lately. He’s probably avoiding helping us out in our current death struggle with the forces of leftist fascism by writing his next book, 50 Shades of None of You Are Meeting My Expectations. His words are like needles pounded into my ears, even when I agree with them.
I am thankful that the Democrats have apparently learned nothing from 2006, where they pulled the same scam they pulled this year and elected a bunch of so-called moderates from moderate districts. Sure, they also elected a bunch of goofs who look like the commie weirdos who hung out at the Che Cafe back in the day at UC San Diego, but the ones who took seats from the GOP were all GOP Lite. Yet Nancy Pelosi will still install a pack of lunatics as the chair-beings of the various House committees, and instead of making the smart play and pretending to cooperate with the president, they’re going to go nuts. They’re going to do exactly what they did 12 years ago and push their moderates to the left so that we can swoop in in 2020 and show her what a real wave looks like.
I’m thankful for the positive reception for the word Fredocon, which I coined to refer to those cruise-shilling losers who pretended to be conservative to grift the donors and then who then went all quisling with the left when we rejected their useless carcasses. I make it a point to use that term in almost every column just because I know it ticks them off so much and because I love to make them throw fussy fits. Plus, endless repetition is hilarious.
I am thankful for Coca-Cola, which is better than Pepsi. And I am thankful for beer, because Brett Kavanaugh likes it.
I am thankful for Brett Kavanaugh enduring the nightmare he did. It’s a great feeling knowing we have a guy on the Supreme Court who will actually protect the rights that are in the text rather than manufacturing fake ones that aren’t, and who can chug Natty Lights brewski for brewski with Ruth “Beer Bong” Bader Ginsberg.